Music

So I haven't written for a while, just being busy with school and social life and music, but the topic today is MUSIC.


I FUCKING HATE MIXING. Such an aggravating, time-consuming process that I seem to struggle with, even having done this for years... I doubt my artistic ability more from my mixes than vocal delivery.


I'm going to be so glad when I finally finish this fucking album.

Ringing In The New Year

Or the eve of the new year, anyway. About this time every year, we reflect on our successes, our failures, how we resolve to fix them, so here are some notable tokens of wisdom I've taken from this year:

- drugs are an empty solace, but always more reliable than people

- trust no woman, fear no man

- slow down, this is all just progress.


Yesterday, while accompanying Will to get his medi-cannabis recommendation, I made conversation with a hot streetrat. It kills me that even after having read The Game and feel like I understand the dynamic between a man and a woman perfectly, I still freeze up and choke when a pretty gal's the prize. Still though, with each failure, I value its contribution, though maybe small, to my overall progress.

I'm impatient to accelerate my future, but what I really need to do is take my responsibilities as seriously as I should so I can just enjoy now for now.

Object of Adoration

Today I truly realized the difference between liking a girl because she's cute and legitimately liking a girl, much to my dismay. If there is some cosmic deity, it feels like as time passes I'm tantalized by attractive women that I can't have, but worst of all, I actually LIKE these attractive women.

What's killing me? Distance distance distance. Goddamn distance.

Today was great, I truly didn't want to leave, and yet I wish that our outing hadn't gone as swimmingly. I wish I'd held you with contempt, that you'd found my numerous disgressions annoying, that that chemistry hadn't existed.

I once wrote a few couplets about a similar situation that happened inland, the tentative name was "Object of Adoration," about just that: lusting after these beautiful women (not just in a sexual connotation) and half-attempting to further the connection while knowing that ultimately, it can't be, for whatever reason. I feel like a fucking fool for instigating this shit, knowing from the get-go, yet upon meeting these women, I realize why I chase it: having the opportunity to talk to a beautiful woman who I can relate to and enjoy being around, and more importantly feel completely comfortable around. Someone who I don't mind stuttering or digressing or forgetting my train of thought countless times around, because I feel like they see past it. Someone who gives a shit. Following my breakup with the most recent ex, my emotions towards the opposite sex are so erratic and convoluted... my mini-infatuations (better known as a crush now that I think about it) feel unhealthy, yet natural and completely effortless.

I've never been good at writing love songs.

Pheromones

A quick disclaimer, this may be the most graphic, creeperesque shit I post, so with that;


Lately I've had an odd fixation on the opposite sex. From time to time, when I'll be in close proximity to an attractive broad, for whatever reason, it's as if I bask in her aura. Something about the female scent is so empowering, alluring.

my Comp Apps professor Mierkewicz claims it's been proven that sex equals power, so perhaps I'm just getting strung along by a biological puppeteer, as my primordial brain hunts for the most convenient mate.

Fuck, lately has been such a mixed bag. School's killing me, I have difficulty managing my time effectively. I need to limit my internet use, it feels like it's gotten a bit out of hand. It's just that I have far too much homework to bullshit around as much as I do.

This last weekend was really fun. Spent a weekend of boozing, many a smoke was had, and it was an all-around good time. I also got to see Where the Wild Things are with Sarah, so that was cool. I miss not being able to hang out with her as much. As cool as this was, especially in contrast with this last school week, it planted a seed of discontent, in a sense. I've felt down for the better part of the day, probably just due to the fact that it feels as if my friends, my "people" are in Redlands, while the relationships I have out here are.. shallow. Perhaps they have yet to develop a bit further, maybe I need to get a bit more outgoing, probably both.

I wish I could appreciate what I have when I have it. I'm envious of a school-free life; working is one thing, it ends when you clock off. School continues even after class, very much so, and it's demanding as hell.

Things will get better, I'm sure, but it bothers me regardless.





I've not dreamt lately.

Midterm

So this post has a lame, vague title, only because there's no one-word phrase I'm aware of for "I am more tired than I've ever been and I'm fucking miserable."


Playing catch-up for Color Theory (among other classes) is fucking killing me. I get about 3 hours of sleep at a time, and I'm afraid I'm going to end up like Kramer in that one episode of Seinfeld.


Life is up, though. Grand Battle is nearing completion, I'm fostering relationships and shit, and I'm watching myself improve drastically as an artist, but I want my goddamn 8 hours back.

Fuck.


I feel as if I'm becoming someone that I'm not. From time to time I get into the mindset that I'm some kind of heartless antihero who disregards morality for hedonism and that kind of thing, but all it takes is one simply manipulative act to trigger a wake-up call saying "hello, this isn't you, be real, you fuck."


That being said, I wondered why, on my walk home from Subway tonight, why other attractive people seem to never be without someone, and that made me think about what my desired qualities in a girl are, and my inner-i'm high-monologue answered it for me:

-smokes bowls
-fucks
-is "down as fuck"


Hahaha, but realistically, what I really need, I think, is an empathic girl who is attuned to my wants and needs but at the same time is different enough to add variety to my life. Not many girls "get" me, I'm no run of the mill average guy. I'M FUCKIN WEEEEIRDDD

but that's me, I suppose, and I wouldn't have it any other way. More importantly, I'll be damned if I ever sacrifice my integrity to try to score a girl.


I constantly tell myself to approach random girls in passing, I never do. So many times I've longed to go up to girls whose beauty intimidated the shit out of me and say something like "I think you're one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen, what's your name?" but I'm afraid I'd come off as a creeper or get snubbed.

I told Doctor Kush on the Venice Boardwalk I suffer from social anxiety to get my club card, which isn't true, but damn if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

Any girls who meet the above requirements, feel free to be a creeper and come up to me and tell me I'm one the most beautiful boys you've ever seen, or a less ironic variant.


One of these days, I'm going to fucking do it.

New Transitions a

As I become more and more accustomed to my new life every day, I've started to make school the priority it needs to be. I find myself going down a slippery moral slide day by day as well. I'm not sure whether I should be worried or not.

From this moment forward, this will not be a collection of everyday experiences, but rather a blog to compile poetry based on dreams I've had. I consider myself an oneironaut and have limited proficiency at lucid dreaming, I am continually fascinated by some of the dreams I have, like part two of today:

Part One

Those who oppose me
leave with their body and pride
in complete shambles


Part Two

At the end of all things with a love long past
rapture awaits, a slippery slope down
into the radiant warmth's embrace.
All is possible in this facade;
take a bite of eternity and dream
you are loved, child.


Part Three

Friends ever-changing, new and old
disappointments ever-constant
The show was not meant to end this way.