Fuck.


I feel as if I'm becoming someone that I'm not. From time to time I get into the mindset that I'm some kind of heartless antihero who disregards morality for hedonism and that kind of thing, but all it takes is one simply manipulative act to trigger a wake-up call saying "hello, this isn't you, be real, you fuck."


That being said, I wondered why, on my walk home from Subway tonight, why other attractive people seem to never be without someone, and that made me think about what my desired qualities in a girl are, and my inner-i'm high-monologue answered it for me:

-smokes bowls
-fucks
-is "down as fuck"


Hahaha, but realistically, what I really need, I think, is an empathic girl who is attuned to my wants and needs but at the same time is different enough to add variety to my life. Not many girls "get" me, I'm no run of the mill average guy. I'M FUCKIN WEEEEIRDDD

but that's me, I suppose, and I wouldn't have it any other way. More importantly, I'll be damned if I ever sacrifice my integrity to try to score a girl.


I constantly tell myself to approach random girls in passing, I never do. So many times I've longed to go up to girls whose beauty intimidated the shit out of me and say something like "I think you're one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen, what's your name?" but I'm afraid I'd come off as a creeper or get snubbed.

I told Doctor Kush on the Venice Boardwalk I suffer from social anxiety to get my club card, which isn't true, but damn if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

Any girls who meet the above requirements, feel free to be a creeper and come up to me and tell me I'm one the most beautiful boys you've ever seen, or a less ironic variant.


One of these days, I'm going to fucking do it.

New Transitions a

As I become more and more accustomed to my new life every day, I've started to make school the priority it needs to be. I find myself going down a slippery moral slide day by day as well. I'm not sure whether I should be worried or not.

From this moment forward, this will not be a collection of everyday experiences, but rather a blog to compile poetry based on dreams I've had. I consider myself an oneironaut and have limited proficiency at lucid dreaming, I am continually fascinated by some of the dreams I have, like part two of today:

Part One

Those who oppose me
leave with their body and pride
in complete shambles


Part Two

At the end of all things with a love long past
rapture awaits, a slippery slope down
into the radiant warmth's embrace.
All is possible in this facade;
take a bite of eternity and dream
you are loved, child.


Part Three

Friends ever-changing, new and old
disappointments ever-constant
The show was not meant to end this way.

Upward Motion

So today and yesterday have been pretty badass; I got my medical cannabis recommendation yesterday to the tune of $150, under the guise of social anxiety, which I hilariously tried to describe to the mostly apathetic doctor. Also probably the only time I'll ever be in a doctors' office where the pungent smell of the good greens lingered. Mm mm good!

Today I made my first friend in Samo, per se. Friend enough to accompany around/digitzswap. I'm overjoyed that it happened (period), because I've gone relatively friendless for like, 2 years of my life the last major move I underwent and that was pretty retarded. I guess I have a new-and-improved, more sociable, more humorous perspective this time around, though.

I hope that this post doesn't come off as bragging in any way, but rather to celebrate the beginning of the "the future's coming on, I just know it" sentiment through many of my earlier posts.

ASSIMILATION: PHASE 1


The only thing that concerns me is having less time with which to record/work on music, but that's on the back burner now. School takes precedence.

Acclimation

It's been a while since I've posted, but that's because I've either been busy (and by that I mean actually having priorities to attend to than eating and pissing) or too apathetic or what have you.

Slowly but surely, I'm getting the hang of Samo. The streets are more and more familiar, I'm becoming acquainted with the bus system, and I'm beginning to accept it as my new home. What concerns me is how much of myself I've left further inland. It's to be expected, I suppose, and every once in a while, there's nothing wrong with going back (like my not-quite-live set at Nick's this past weekend :) ), but I feel as if my heart still lies out there.

I think this feeling stems from the fact that I haven't made any real friends at school yet. There's a few kids that my first impressions are that they're cool, wouldn't mind chilling with them, but none of that just yet. Especially given my increased sociability following my MDMA experience this past weekend, it seems as if most people under 30 have some kind of persistent xenophobia that prevents them from opening up to a total stranger.

On a completely unrelated sidenote today, after wearing a decidedly monochromatic hipster-esque wardrobe today, I was told I looked like I listened to Clay Aiken. What the fuck? Don't tell me this is the unintended side effect of my new haircut, it's not THAT faggy. Nothing is!

I've decided to cut down my marijuana use to the weekends. I've always told myself that I'd cut back if I ever felt that my personality was being defined by the substance, and to some extent, I've let it domineer me. I'm no slow-talking stoner drone by any means, but the fact that the first thought that comes to mind when considering any enjoyable outing is "how about a bowl first?" raises a large red flag. That and I need to focus on my studies, I'm not going to passively sit by and let my assignments pile up and overtake me, as I actually intend to complete my coursework, unlike high school, haha. That being said, maybe I should be doing schoolwork and not blogging. Oh well, I need this release.

I've already beaten this to death earlier, I'm sure, but how is it that an attractive, sociable kid such as I has seemingly so many problems making friends? I know I've never had many good friends (by good I mean close, of course), but jeez, if it's like this for me, I can only imagine how it is for the less fortunate. Maybe it's easier, since they're more apt to bond over hobbies.

Speaking of which, when I get my priorities straight, I need to start organizing shows out here, because that may be the je ne sais quoi I lack right now, as well as meeting kids with like taste in music.

I've got a world of possibilities in my hands, progress has been made, but I'm not where I need to be. Not just yet.


But I will be :)

Optimistic

I feel like I'm starting to get the hang of living in Santa Monica, finally. No longer do I get stressed driving, I'm beginning to get a feel for the streets, and after conquering the bus system today, it's all coming together now.

I'm midway through the week now. After being so sick (wtf, right?) as to not go to class yesterday, I'm actively recouping my energy to be my fullest for my show with Will on Friday. It could very well be the most fun I'll ever have, we'll see. This weekend is just up in general.

Life feels up in general, but I still feel as if I need to come out of my shell a bit. I'm getting better and less shy, but I just need a bit more of a push, I suppose.

I haven't been able to work on music due to sleep/a lot of art school shit these last couple of days. It's a bit saddening, but I made this choice.


On a final note tonight, I'm surprised at the normalcy of most of the kids who attend the AI. I've only seen a handful of hipsters, which is a bit disconcerting to my conception of art school. I'VE BEEN LIVING A LIE

I kid. High hopes.