So I haven't written in here for a while, I'm not sure whether it's due to apathy or being busy, probably a mixture of both.
Today was not a good day. Today was comprised of me and my mom cleaning out the old apartment, moving shit out, and just generally busting my ass and yelling back and forth all day. It saddens me to see our supposed incompatibility when it comes to teamwork, haha.
I officially finished online class today, woohoo! I expect great things from in-class, and as my Uncle Steve put it, there'll be a "bevy" of attractive artschool ladies in my imminent future, or so I hope. That and my Bianchi's fixed, so I feel as if I have a world of opportunity ahead of me. The only problem is I'm impatient and feeling a bit unprepared, as ever. I need to take lists more often..
My hair is pissing me off. I'm over this grizzly shitty beard and big hair thing, I think I'm chopping it off to wear it short a la Dennis Reynolds of Always Sunny and shaving my shitscruff. I need a change, as always.
I realized yesterday how much of a world of difference it makes to begin writing cohesively like this, the words come much more fluidly than they initially did. Essay-writing will do that to one, I suppose, either that or THC. Speaking of, I've gone without for a few days, as well as kicking cloves to the curb, and it's killing me. I wonder if that has to due with my irritability... fuck, of course it does!
Too much angst in me for anything really constructive today. Fuck.
Things will turn up, I'm sure of it, but today was WACK, DAWG.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Unsettled
So lately, I've felt a great sense of uncertainty. The constant transition I had bitched about for months previous is all coming to a t in the next short few days; I'll be moving out to Santa Monica, to start over. New school, new friends, new surroundings, tabula rasa. Just what I'm used to by now! As excited as I am for a change, I can't help but feel some trepidation, to leave it all behind. Even if it may be undesirable, it's familiar, and that's comforting to some extent. This I share with an abuse victim, hence my motivation for change, despite the uncertainty D:
I've doubted myself more than I generally do. Not necessarily out of insecurity, but it seems as if painful truths are coming to light in greater frequency. After my first gravity bong experience a few nights back with some I'd consider to be former enemies, it became clear that like it or not, the alienation I underwent in middle school through high school ultimately made me less socially inept, so in a fucked up sense, they helped me to actualize myself a bit, even though I'm well aware this was not their intent. To be fair, if I'd known myself, I'd likely have shunned myself as well, I was quite the prick in days of yore.
Now, to the insecurities more relevant to days previous: I constantly debate whether my assumed girl problems are the result of my evident lack of game (which I don't think is the issue) or moreso my hesitation and not wanting to fuck up. Funny how a pair of beautiful blue eyes can completely throw off a generally well-composed young suitor (in my case, perhaps a bit less composed). I lamented to a friend earlier today that it's as if God is playing some sick joke on me; showering me with the grace of ladies far more attractive than I'm accustomed, and watching the resultant trainwreck. Well, maybe not so harsh as to say a trainwreck, but not a gleaming success with flying colors by any means.
I wonder whether my personality is to blame, in a sense, my inability to relate to most. My inability to "bullshit," as she put last night. Funny how I can endlessly extrapolate upon the most miniscule detail, and yet when it comes to self-produced thought, especially in regards to (somewhat formal) introductions, I seize up as if in a catatonic trance.
On a side note, how cruel a celestial joke as to make myself appear the most eloquent motherfuck to walk the earth in my existential ramblings, yet in reality, come off as an awkward, stuttering mess of curly mexi-hair and pubic chinstrap fringe.
A cannabis-induced epiphany of sorts occurred the other night in which I decided I need a new outlook, a new PEET, and ceremonious as I am, I intend to cut my hair short and shave, which I've not done for likely a year. This is somewhat reminiscent of the Royal Tenenbaums, except I don't intend to kill myself afterward. I seek to lift the veil of my insecurities with this move, and cast it to the past, where it belongs.
On a final ending note, to paraphrase the Royal Tenenbaums again, these last few weeks' freedom have given me the opportunity to realize, and, more importantly, cherish the friendships I hold, so that being said, these last two weeks have been among the greatest of my life. Despite the supposed raincloud of romantic despair floating overhead, I remain optimistic as ever, if not a bit daunted.
I wonder how often I misuse "big words" by misreading their context and not knowing the actual definition. Hm.
Redlands and Riverside, I'll miss you.
I've doubted myself more than I generally do. Not necessarily out of insecurity, but it seems as if painful truths are coming to light in greater frequency. After my first gravity bong experience a few nights back with some I'd consider to be former enemies, it became clear that like it or not, the alienation I underwent in middle school through high school ultimately made me less socially inept, so in a fucked up sense, they helped me to actualize myself a bit, even though I'm well aware this was not their intent. To be fair, if I'd known myself, I'd likely have shunned myself as well, I was quite the prick in days of yore.
Now, to the insecurities more relevant to days previous: I constantly debate whether my assumed girl problems are the result of my evident lack of game (which I don't think is the issue) or moreso my hesitation and not wanting to fuck up. Funny how a pair of beautiful blue eyes can completely throw off a generally well-composed young suitor (in my case, perhaps a bit less composed). I lamented to a friend earlier today that it's as if God is playing some sick joke on me; showering me with the grace of ladies far more attractive than I'm accustomed, and watching the resultant trainwreck. Well, maybe not so harsh as to say a trainwreck, but not a gleaming success with flying colors by any means.
I wonder whether my personality is to blame, in a sense, my inability to relate to most. My inability to "bullshit," as she put last night. Funny how I can endlessly extrapolate upon the most miniscule detail, and yet when it comes to self-produced thought, especially in regards to (somewhat formal) introductions, I seize up as if in a catatonic trance.
On a side note, how cruel a celestial joke as to make myself appear the most eloquent motherfuck to walk the earth in my existential ramblings, yet in reality, come off as an awkward, stuttering mess of curly mexi-hair and pubic chinstrap fringe.
A cannabis-induced epiphany of sorts occurred the other night in which I decided I need a new outlook, a new PEET, and ceremonious as I am, I intend to cut my hair short and shave, which I've not done for likely a year. This is somewhat reminiscent of the Royal Tenenbaums, except I don't intend to kill myself afterward. I seek to lift the veil of my insecurities with this move, and cast it to the past, where it belongs.
On a final ending note, to paraphrase the Royal Tenenbaums again, these last few weeks' freedom have given me the opportunity to realize, and, more importantly, cherish the friendships I hold, so that being said, these last two weeks have been among the greatest of my life. Despite the supposed raincloud of romantic despair floating overhead, I remain optimistic as ever, if not a bit daunted.
I wonder how often I misuse "big words" by misreading their context and not knowing the actual definition. Hm.
Redlands and Riverside, I'll miss you.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Testaments
The glamorous, binge-drinking contemporaries of mine save their most precious memories in photographs, showing to all their rose-tinted memories (or lack thereof) of what was probably a fun night. I can't relate to these people, I can't relate to incessant picture-taking, it seems so narcissistic.
Popular kids save their memories in photos; I save mine in these silly-ass entries and more importantly, song. While an older track of mine, Hyr00l (rough) may not have any relevant thematic material to what I went through at the time, listening to it instantly brings me back to a time where I subsided off of cigarettes, ramen packets and Jeno's pizza. A time where I loathed my existence, for the simple reason that it wasn't good enough for the one person where it mattered. A time spent playing Oblivion all day, sucking on black tea mints, eating Pizza Mia (which I now cannot stand). A time where I was part of something, a fucking musical collective, a band where I wasn't the sole musical entity. A time when Trev and I were close, and he was the best friend I had.
The casual listener hears only a nintendocore gimmick; I hear the memories attached to the time period. I yearn not for those days, but reminisce regardless, because those days have molded me (along with every other trial and tribulation in life) into who I am today. In a sense, I'm grateful to have undergone those dark times in my life.
Now for a completely different change of pace, I'd like to be nonchalant enough to wake wanton picture after picture. It seems nice. Maybe inebriation would help.
Popular kids save their memories in photos; I save mine in these silly-ass entries and more importantly, song. While an older track of mine, Hyr00l (rough) may not have any relevant thematic material to what I went through at the time, listening to it instantly brings me back to a time where I subsided off of cigarettes, ramen packets and Jeno's pizza. A time where I loathed my existence, for the simple reason that it wasn't good enough for the one person where it mattered. A time spent playing Oblivion all day, sucking on black tea mints, eating Pizza Mia (which I now cannot stand). A time where I was part of something, a fucking musical collective, a band where I wasn't the sole musical entity. A time when Trev and I were close, and he was the best friend I had.
The casual listener hears only a nintendocore gimmick; I hear the memories attached to the time period. I yearn not for those days, but reminisce regardless, because those days have molded me (along with every other trial and tribulation in life) into who I am today. In a sense, I'm grateful to have undergone those dark times in my life.
Now for a completely different change of pace, I'd like to be nonchalant enough to wake wanton picture after picture. It seems nice. Maybe inebriation would help.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Malice
I need to get this out of my system:
I have never hated any single person as much as I hate her. This isn't one of those "u broke my heart boo hoo!111" affairs by any means, this is a "I can't believe how incredibly callous you are, and I'm in disbelief how shitty of a person you've become."
Consideration for others? It doesn't benefit you, why bother?
The world may be an ugly place, but there are silver outlines on all of the rainclouds that plague us, and yet you are the poster child of the the ugly, nihilistic, demotivated youth of today.
Let's bring this around with some deep thoughts:
Although I will lament leaving friends and old locales and all that jazz behind, I'm so fucking ready for a change. I've been stagnant and miserable for too goddamn long and I'm taking life by the balls. No longer will I be the hesistant, meek peet of yesterday; I will rise from the ashes of strife, a newer, recharged, more passionate, more attractive peet of THE FUTUREEEEE!
Something like that. Either way I've had it up to here with this bullshit, and I'm going to throw this out there right quick: I don't believe in karma, but you'd better believe in karma through my actions. I will overcome.
My neck and back are fucking killing me from the booze-happy endeavors of last night at FYF Fest. A good time was had, but it was then that I realized I a) should not inhale dust b) need to stop pussyfooting around with women, because I close so many windows of opportunity on myself.
World, watch out, because the most emotive kid around is back with a vengeance, and he's here to fuck shit up.
I have never hated any single person as much as I hate her. This isn't one of those "u broke my heart boo hoo!111" affairs by any means, this is a "I can't believe how incredibly callous you are, and I'm in disbelief how shitty of a person you've become."
Consideration for others? It doesn't benefit you, why bother?
The world may be an ugly place, but there are silver outlines on all of the rainclouds that plague us, and yet you are the poster child of the the ugly, nihilistic, demotivated youth of today.
Let's bring this around with some deep thoughts:
Although I will lament leaving friends and old locales and all that jazz behind, I'm so fucking ready for a change. I've been stagnant and miserable for too goddamn long and I'm taking life by the balls. No longer will I be the hesistant, meek peet of yesterday; I will rise from the ashes of strife, a newer, recharged, more passionate, more attractive peet of THE FUTUREEEEE!
Something like that. Either way I've had it up to here with this bullshit, and I'm going to throw this out there right quick: I don't believe in karma, but you'd better believe in karma through my actions. I will overcome.
My neck and back are fucking killing me from the booze-happy endeavors of last night at FYF Fest. A good time was had, but it was then that I realized I a) should not inhale dust b) need to stop pussyfooting around with women, because I close so many windows of opportunity on myself.
World, watch out, because the most emotive kid around is back with a vengeance, and he's here to fuck shit up.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Lethargic
Smoked arguably the most I ever have in one sitting with Chrissy today, crazy shit. Smoking as much as I did in one day leads to terrible munchies and all-around unproductive behavior, which is kinda why I want to get out of smoking as much as I do.
On a side note, been faltering a bit on the whole not smoking thing. I need to put it in the same category as junk food and not fucking partake! I've been eating out too much D:
Oddly, I notice more definition in my sore-ass body, so I must be doing something right. Hm.
I need more healthy food so I don't eat out like I do. Where's my motivation? Not in Weedland, that's for sure.
On a side note, been faltering a bit on the whole not smoking thing. I need to put it in the same category as junk food and not fucking partake! I've been eating out too much D:
Oddly, I notice more definition in my sore-ass body, so I must be doing something right. Hm.
I need more healthy food so I don't eat out like I do. Where's my motivation? Not in Weedland, that's for sure.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Transparency
Today's theme is transparency, and nothing makes one divulge one's deepest feelings and fears than you guessed it, ALCOHOL! Beer'd it up with Ken, greatly enjoyed myself, spilled my guts out to Bridge, enjoyed myself some more!
I wish I could have the courage to be as transparent as I am when drunk. It's just so... real. I think people would probably appreciate it, haha.
Hung out with my little sister today, it was a refreshing change. Trying on dress clothes at Target after dinner didn't go too well, I looked like a cheeky gypsy. She's become something of a Smiths buff, telling me shit about songs I wasn't even aware existed; that girl's gonna be a snob, one of these days.
Most importantly, I put my two weeks' notice in at work today, fuck yeah! Gone will be the days of waking up at ungodly hours to make my keep, here are the days of little effort and all edumacation!
I'm excited, yet a part of me longs to stay with that which I know. I know I can't, and it's an immature longing, but damn. Things will be very different.
To all of you who've contributed to forming me into who I am during my stay in the Inland Empire, whether it be positive or negative, thanks for the memories. I leave on the 15th, so let's see if we can set up a last-hangout or something like that if I don't see you often.
I wish I could have the courage to be as transparent as I am when drunk. It's just so... real. I think people would probably appreciate it, haha.
Hung out with my little sister today, it was a refreshing change. Trying on dress clothes at Target after dinner didn't go too well, I looked like a cheeky gypsy. She's become something of a Smiths buff, telling me shit about songs I wasn't even aware existed; that girl's gonna be a snob, one of these days.
Most importantly, I put my two weeks' notice in at work today, fuck yeah! Gone will be the days of waking up at ungodly hours to make my keep, here are the days of little effort and all edumacation!
I'm excited, yet a part of me longs to stay with that which I know. I know I can't, and it's an immature longing, but damn. Things will be very different.
To all of you who've contributed to forming me into who I am during my stay in the Inland Empire, whether it be positive or negative, thanks for the memories. I leave on the 15th, so let's see if we can set up a last-hangout or something like that if I don't see you often.
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