Object of Adoration

Today I truly realized the difference between liking a girl because she's cute and legitimately liking a girl, much to my dismay. If there is some cosmic deity, it feels like as time passes I'm tantalized by attractive women that I can't have, but worst of all, I actually LIKE these attractive women.

What's killing me? Distance distance distance. Goddamn distance.

Today was great, I truly didn't want to leave, and yet I wish that our outing hadn't gone as swimmingly. I wish I'd held you with contempt, that you'd found my numerous disgressions annoying, that that chemistry hadn't existed.

I once wrote a few couplets about a similar situation that happened inland, the tentative name was "Object of Adoration," about just that: lusting after these beautiful women (not just in a sexual connotation) and half-attempting to further the connection while knowing that ultimately, it can't be, for whatever reason. I feel like a fucking fool for instigating this shit, knowing from the get-go, yet upon meeting these women, I realize why I chase it: having the opportunity to talk to a beautiful woman who I can relate to and enjoy being around, and more importantly feel completely comfortable around. Someone who I don't mind stuttering or digressing or forgetting my train of thought countless times around, because I feel like they see past it. Someone who gives a shit. Following my breakup with the most recent ex, my emotions towards the opposite sex are so erratic and convoluted... my mini-infatuations (better known as a crush now that I think about it) feel unhealthy, yet natural and completely effortless.

I've never been good at writing love songs.

Pheromones

A quick disclaimer, this may be the most graphic, creeperesque shit I post, so with that;


Lately I've had an odd fixation on the opposite sex. From time to time, when I'll be in close proximity to an attractive broad, for whatever reason, it's as if I bask in her aura. Something about the female scent is so empowering, alluring.

my Comp Apps professor Mierkewicz claims it's been proven that sex equals power, so perhaps I'm just getting strung along by a biological puppeteer, as my primordial brain hunts for the most convenient mate.

Fuck, lately has been such a mixed bag. School's killing me, I have difficulty managing my time effectively. I need to limit my internet use, it feels like it's gotten a bit out of hand. It's just that I have far too much homework to bullshit around as much as I do.

This last weekend was really fun. Spent a weekend of boozing, many a smoke was had, and it was an all-around good time. I also got to see Where the Wild Things are with Sarah, so that was cool. I miss not being able to hang out with her as much. As cool as this was, especially in contrast with this last school week, it planted a seed of discontent, in a sense. I've felt down for the better part of the day, probably just due to the fact that it feels as if my friends, my "people" are in Redlands, while the relationships I have out here are.. shallow. Perhaps they have yet to develop a bit further, maybe I need to get a bit more outgoing, probably both.

I wish I could appreciate what I have when I have it. I'm envious of a school-free life; working is one thing, it ends when you clock off. School continues even after class, very much so, and it's demanding as hell.

Things will get better, I'm sure, but it bothers me regardless.





I've not dreamt lately.

Midterm

So this post has a lame, vague title, only because there's no one-word phrase I'm aware of for "I am more tired than I've ever been and I'm fucking miserable."


Playing catch-up for Color Theory (among other classes) is fucking killing me. I get about 3 hours of sleep at a time, and I'm afraid I'm going to end up like Kramer in that one episode of Seinfeld.


Life is up, though. Grand Battle is nearing completion, I'm fostering relationships and shit, and I'm watching myself improve drastically as an artist, but I want my goddamn 8 hours back.