Perspective

I've already slipped behind on this shit, how reproachable! Ah, whatever.


Yesterday was an amazing day, underwent my first shroom/edible trip with Will and took from it a newfound appreciation for nature and the cosmic order of all things. Everything is exactly the way it should be, we are all together, blah blah blah. Hung out with Bridge afterward, had a nice dinner and movie and a half afterward. Altogether the best night I've had in a really long time, I'm glad to have met someone as... real, and pure as she is. It's rare to see a girl as attractive as she with no front. It's a nice change.

Today was a stark contrast to the joyous occasions yesterday. I don't know whether it was a bad/weird day so much as flat in comparison, but something felt off. I felt hollow looking at my own reflection, as if I was looking at someone else, someone who looked dead, almost. It may have just been the bags under my eyes, but I felt like it was more than just that.

Everything lately has weighed down on me. I try my best to keep my head up and hold an optimistic outlook, I mean, fuck, life roughly 2 weeks from now should be pretty incredible; the kicker is that from time to time, I just feel so down. I want to escape this empty shell of a relationship that is my apartment, I don't want to see her anymore. I don't want a constant reminder of my time and energy wasted. I don't want this fucking transition, I'm so tired of everything being in this "oh I'm getting ready to..." phase. I want answers, I want action, but alas, I wait for the time being.

I'm putting in my two weeks' notice in to work on the 1st. Good riddance.


I pulled myself out of the funk earlier with self-affirmations over a good dishwashing. It almost brought me to tears to reaffirm what I haven't told myself in so goddamn long: I am somebody. I am attractive. I am a good person. I am fucking worth it. Most importantly,


Everything will be ok.


I know it will, all things in good time, I suppose.


Everything WILL be ok.

Progress

Today's theme is progress, albeit slow and steady progress.

I woke up today initially around 8, and several snooze hits and bizarre dreams later, it was 11:30 and I hit the bed/couch in frustration. Why is it, that of all the most elementary things in the world, that I can't ever drag my lazy ass out of bed when it's not life-threatening? Maybe I should convince myself it is somehow..

I had a nice, if not a little slow, day today. Got some laundry in, hung out with my mom and sister, saw Music and Lyrics.. anyone else see any Paul McCartney/Hugh Grant similarity? Maybe I'm trippin', dawg. It made me musically inspired, so upon arriving home, I attempted around the 200th take for the intro to one fucking song of mine, and ended in frustration.

My hopes are high though, because the rest of the week seems promising; hanging out with an old friend Serg on Thursday, shroom adventures in Chino Hills with Will on Friday, a possible X odyssey with Ken on Saturday... if all goes according to plan, this could be a memorable week.

Ever feel as if the pieces of life don't fall into place nearly as fast as you'd like them to? Story of my life, as of late. My roomate/ex has been awol for days now; I don't miss her, but her absence is a bit alarming.

Tomorrow should be a fuller, busier day. I'm optimistic, and that's all I could really ask for.


yours,


peet

Departure

So here I find myself again, having created a new blog as a creative outlet, with a newfound determination that it will not fall to the cyberspace grave the countless other blog starts I've made have.

Today I realized the advent of breaking up with a longtime girlfriend has led to lower serotonin or some shit, because I find myself more and more fleeing to chemical dependency, whether it be excessive bowl-smoking or taking up smoking again under the premise "oh, it's my party pack, just for when I drink, which inevitably became "oh lol three a day, booze be damned!"

This was all sparked by endless boredom earlier, shortly after realizing that given a week-long vacation, planning my days out beforehand might be a good thing to do in the future. I took a trip down to a local head shop to pick up some salvia, but forgot my debit card at home. On the trip back, I realized to myself "this is fucking stupid, i'm not going back" and had the profound realization previously stated.

Am I that weak of a human being to surrender to the siren song of meaningless, toxic escape?

I don't think so. I may have moments of weakness, but I know for damn sure that's not me, and I refuse to lead a lifestyle that would have it that way.

I see religious people, and the pure.... exhilarance that radiates from them, and I wonder, why? If religion is truly as altruistic as I had previously thought, then why the overbearing joy for those who truly believe? My personal belief conflicts with some of the dogmatic principles of organized religion, while I still consider myself spiritual, but what do they have, or what are they experiencing that I don't have?


Always another unsolved mystery, always on the cusp. Is the human condition to be forever trapped in the pursuit of happiness? Studies have shown that people are happiest when they attempt an activity just out of their ability level, so perhaps to optimize happiness, we should pursue the pursuit of happiness..?


People tell me I overthink life. I constantly feel as if I don't nearly enough.



I don't know whether this will be more of a diary entry or my existential ramblings, but either way, I think its intended purpose is working.


yours,


peet