Ringing In The New Year

Or the eve of the new year, anyway. About this time every year, we reflect on our successes, our failures, how we resolve to fix them, so here are some notable tokens of wisdom I've taken from this year:

- drugs are an empty solace, but always more reliable than people

- trust no woman, fear no man

- slow down, this is all just progress.


Yesterday, while accompanying Will to get his medi-cannabis recommendation, I made conversation with a hot streetrat. It kills me that even after having read The Game and feel like I understand the dynamic between a man and a woman perfectly, I still freeze up and choke when a pretty gal's the prize. Still though, with each failure, I value its contribution, though maybe small, to my overall progress.

I'm impatient to accelerate my future, but what I really need to do is take my responsibilities as seriously as I should so I can just enjoy now for now.

Object of Adoration

Today I truly realized the difference between liking a girl because she's cute and legitimately liking a girl, much to my dismay. If there is some cosmic deity, it feels like as time passes I'm tantalized by attractive women that I can't have, but worst of all, I actually LIKE these attractive women.

What's killing me? Distance distance distance. Goddamn distance.

Today was great, I truly didn't want to leave, and yet I wish that our outing hadn't gone as swimmingly. I wish I'd held you with contempt, that you'd found my numerous disgressions annoying, that that chemistry hadn't existed.

I once wrote a few couplets about a similar situation that happened inland, the tentative name was "Object of Adoration," about just that: lusting after these beautiful women (not just in a sexual connotation) and half-attempting to further the connection while knowing that ultimately, it can't be, for whatever reason. I feel like a fucking fool for instigating this shit, knowing from the get-go, yet upon meeting these women, I realize why I chase it: having the opportunity to talk to a beautiful woman who I can relate to and enjoy being around, and more importantly feel completely comfortable around. Someone who I don't mind stuttering or digressing or forgetting my train of thought countless times around, because I feel like they see past it. Someone who gives a shit. Following my breakup with the most recent ex, my emotions towards the opposite sex are so erratic and convoluted... my mini-infatuations (better known as a crush now that I think about it) feel unhealthy, yet natural and completely effortless.

I've never been good at writing love songs.

Pheromones

A quick disclaimer, this may be the most graphic, creeperesque shit I post, so with that;


Lately I've had an odd fixation on the opposite sex. From time to time, when I'll be in close proximity to an attractive broad, for whatever reason, it's as if I bask in her aura. Something about the female scent is so empowering, alluring.

my Comp Apps professor Mierkewicz claims it's been proven that sex equals power, so perhaps I'm just getting strung along by a biological puppeteer, as my primordial brain hunts for the most convenient mate.

Fuck, lately has been such a mixed bag. School's killing me, I have difficulty managing my time effectively. I need to limit my internet use, it feels like it's gotten a bit out of hand. It's just that I have far too much homework to bullshit around as much as I do.

This last weekend was really fun. Spent a weekend of boozing, many a smoke was had, and it was an all-around good time. I also got to see Where the Wild Things are with Sarah, so that was cool. I miss not being able to hang out with her as much. As cool as this was, especially in contrast with this last school week, it planted a seed of discontent, in a sense. I've felt down for the better part of the day, probably just due to the fact that it feels as if my friends, my "people" are in Redlands, while the relationships I have out here are.. shallow. Perhaps they have yet to develop a bit further, maybe I need to get a bit more outgoing, probably both.

I wish I could appreciate what I have when I have it. I'm envious of a school-free life; working is one thing, it ends when you clock off. School continues even after class, very much so, and it's demanding as hell.

Things will get better, I'm sure, but it bothers me regardless.





I've not dreamt lately.

Midterm

So this post has a lame, vague title, only because there's no one-word phrase I'm aware of for "I am more tired than I've ever been and I'm fucking miserable."


Playing catch-up for Color Theory (among other classes) is fucking killing me. I get about 3 hours of sleep at a time, and I'm afraid I'm going to end up like Kramer in that one episode of Seinfeld.


Life is up, though. Grand Battle is nearing completion, I'm fostering relationships and shit, and I'm watching myself improve drastically as an artist, but I want my goddamn 8 hours back.

Fuck.


I feel as if I'm becoming someone that I'm not. From time to time I get into the mindset that I'm some kind of heartless antihero who disregards morality for hedonism and that kind of thing, but all it takes is one simply manipulative act to trigger a wake-up call saying "hello, this isn't you, be real, you fuck."


That being said, I wondered why, on my walk home from Subway tonight, why other attractive people seem to never be without someone, and that made me think about what my desired qualities in a girl are, and my inner-i'm high-monologue answered it for me:

-smokes bowls
-fucks
-is "down as fuck"


Hahaha, but realistically, what I really need, I think, is an empathic girl who is attuned to my wants and needs but at the same time is different enough to add variety to my life. Not many girls "get" me, I'm no run of the mill average guy. I'M FUCKIN WEEEEIRDDD

but that's me, I suppose, and I wouldn't have it any other way. More importantly, I'll be damned if I ever sacrifice my integrity to try to score a girl.


I constantly tell myself to approach random girls in passing, I never do. So many times I've longed to go up to girls whose beauty intimidated the shit out of me and say something like "I think you're one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen, what's your name?" but I'm afraid I'd come off as a creeper or get snubbed.

I told Doctor Kush on the Venice Boardwalk I suffer from social anxiety to get my club card, which isn't true, but damn if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

Any girls who meet the above requirements, feel free to be a creeper and come up to me and tell me I'm one the most beautiful boys you've ever seen, or a less ironic variant.


One of these days, I'm going to fucking do it.

New Transitions a

As I become more and more accustomed to my new life every day, I've started to make school the priority it needs to be. I find myself going down a slippery moral slide day by day as well. I'm not sure whether I should be worried or not.

From this moment forward, this will not be a collection of everyday experiences, but rather a blog to compile poetry based on dreams I've had. I consider myself an oneironaut and have limited proficiency at lucid dreaming, I am continually fascinated by some of the dreams I have, like part two of today:

Part One

Those who oppose me
leave with their body and pride
in complete shambles


Part Two

At the end of all things with a love long past
rapture awaits, a slippery slope down
into the radiant warmth's embrace.
All is possible in this facade;
take a bite of eternity and dream
you are loved, child.


Part Three

Friends ever-changing, new and old
disappointments ever-constant
The show was not meant to end this way.

Upward Motion

So today and yesterday have been pretty badass; I got my medical cannabis recommendation yesterday to the tune of $150, under the guise of social anxiety, which I hilariously tried to describe to the mostly apathetic doctor. Also probably the only time I'll ever be in a doctors' office where the pungent smell of the good greens lingered. Mm mm good!

Today I made my first friend in Samo, per se. Friend enough to accompany around/digitzswap. I'm overjoyed that it happened (period), because I've gone relatively friendless for like, 2 years of my life the last major move I underwent and that was pretty retarded. I guess I have a new-and-improved, more sociable, more humorous perspective this time around, though.

I hope that this post doesn't come off as bragging in any way, but rather to celebrate the beginning of the "the future's coming on, I just know it" sentiment through many of my earlier posts.

ASSIMILATION: PHASE 1


The only thing that concerns me is having less time with which to record/work on music, but that's on the back burner now. School takes precedence.

Acclimation

It's been a while since I've posted, but that's because I've either been busy (and by that I mean actually having priorities to attend to than eating and pissing) or too apathetic or what have you.

Slowly but surely, I'm getting the hang of Samo. The streets are more and more familiar, I'm becoming acquainted with the bus system, and I'm beginning to accept it as my new home. What concerns me is how much of myself I've left further inland. It's to be expected, I suppose, and every once in a while, there's nothing wrong with going back (like my not-quite-live set at Nick's this past weekend :) ), but I feel as if my heart still lies out there.

I think this feeling stems from the fact that I haven't made any real friends at school yet. There's a few kids that my first impressions are that they're cool, wouldn't mind chilling with them, but none of that just yet. Especially given my increased sociability following my MDMA experience this past weekend, it seems as if most people under 30 have some kind of persistent xenophobia that prevents them from opening up to a total stranger.

On a completely unrelated sidenote today, after wearing a decidedly monochromatic hipster-esque wardrobe today, I was told I looked like I listened to Clay Aiken. What the fuck? Don't tell me this is the unintended side effect of my new haircut, it's not THAT faggy. Nothing is!

I've decided to cut down my marijuana use to the weekends. I've always told myself that I'd cut back if I ever felt that my personality was being defined by the substance, and to some extent, I've let it domineer me. I'm no slow-talking stoner drone by any means, but the fact that the first thought that comes to mind when considering any enjoyable outing is "how about a bowl first?" raises a large red flag. That and I need to focus on my studies, I'm not going to passively sit by and let my assignments pile up and overtake me, as I actually intend to complete my coursework, unlike high school, haha. That being said, maybe I should be doing schoolwork and not blogging. Oh well, I need this release.

I've already beaten this to death earlier, I'm sure, but how is it that an attractive, sociable kid such as I has seemingly so many problems making friends? I know I've never had many good friends (by good I mean close, of course), but jeez, if it's like this for me, I can only imagine how it is for the less fortunate. Maybe it's easier, since they're more apt to bond over hobbies.

Speaking of which, when I get my priorities straight, I need to start organizing shows out here, because that may be the je ne sais quoi I lack right now, as well as meeting kids with like taste in music.

I've got a world of possibilities in my hands, progress has been made, but I'm not where I need to be. Not just yet.


But I will be :)

Optimistic

I feel like I'm starting to get the hang of living in Santa Monica, finally. No longer do I get stressed driving, I'm beginning to get a feel for the streets, and after conquering the bus system today, it's all coming together now.

I'm midway through the week now. After being so sick (wtf, right?) as to not go to class yesterday, I'm actively recouping my energy to be my fullest for my show with Will on Friday. It could very well be the most fun I'll ever have, we'll see. This weekend is just up in general.

Life feels up in general, but I still feel as if I need to come out of my shell a bit. I'm getting better and less shy, but I just need a bit more of a push, I suppose.

I haven't been able to work on music due to sleep/a lot of art school shit these last couple of days. It's a bit saddening, but I made this choice.


On a final note tonight, I'm surprised at the normalcy of most of the kids who attend the AI. I've only seen a handful of hipsters, which is a bit disconcerting to my conception of art school. I'VE BEEN LIVING A LIE

I kid. High hopes.

Frustration/Anticipation

So I haven't written in here for a while, I'm not sure whether it's due to apathy or being busy, probably a mixture of both.

Today was not a good day. Today was comprised of me and my mom cleaning out the old apartment, moving shit out, and just generally busting my ass and yelling back and forth all day. It saddens me to see our supposed incompatibility when it comes to teamwork, haha.

I officially finished online class today, woohoo! I expect great things from in-class, and as my Uncle Steve put it, there'll be a "bevy" of attractive artschool ladies in my imminent future, or so I hope. That and my Bianchi's fixed, so I feel as if I have a world of opportunity ahead of me. The only problem is I'm impatient and feeling a bit unprepared, as ever. I need to take lists more often..

My hair is pissing me off. I'm over this grizzly shitty beard and big hair thing, I think I'm chopping it off to wear it short a la Dennis Reynolds of Always Sunny and shaving my shitscruff. I need a change, as always.

I realized yesterday how much of a world of difference it makes to begin writing cohesively like this, the words come much more fluidly than they initially did. Essay-writing will do that to one, I suppose, either that or THC. Speaking of, I've gone without for a few days, as well as kicking cloves to the curb, and it's killing me. I wonder if that has to due with my irritability... fuck, of course it does!

Too much angst in me for anything really constructive today. Fuck.


Things will turn up, I'm sure of it, but today was WACK, DAWG.

Unsettled

So lately, I've felt a great sense of uncertainty. The constant transition I had bitched about for months previous is all coming to a t in the next short few days; I'll be moving out to Santa Monica, to start over. New school, new friends, new surroundings, tabula rasa. Just what I'm used to by now! As excited as I am for a change, I can't help but feel some trepidation, to leave it all behind. Even if it may be undesirable, it's familiar, and that's comforting to some extent. This I share with an abuse victim, hence my motivation for change, despite the uncertainty D:

I've doubted myself more than I generally do. Not necessarily out of insecurity, but it seems as if painful truths are coming to light in greater frequency. After my first gravity bong experience a few nights back with some I'd consider to be former enemies, it became clear that like it or not, the alienation I underwent in middle school through high school ultimately made me less socially inept, so in a fucked up sense, they helped me to actualize myself a bit, even though I'm well aware this was not their intent. To be fair, if I'd known myself, I'd likely have shunned myself as well, I was quite the prick in days of yore.

Now, to the insecurities more relevant to days previous: I constantly debate whether my assumed girl problems are the result of my evident lack of game (which I don't think is the issue) or moreso my hesitation and not wanting to fuck up. Funny how a pair of beautiful blue eyes can completely throw off a generally well-composed young suitor (in my case, perhaps a bit less composed). I lamented to a friend earlier today that it's as if God is playing some sick joke on me; showering me with the grace of ladies far more attractive than I'm accustomed, and watching the resultant trainwreck. Well, maybe not so harsh as to say a trainwreck, but not a gleaming success with flying colors by any means.

I wonder whether my personality is to blame, in a sense, my inability to relate to most. My inability to "bullshit," as she put last night. Funny how I can endlessly extrapolate upon the most miniscule detail, and yet when it comes to self-produced thought, especially in regards to (somewhat formal) introductions, I seize up as if in a catatonic trance.

On a side note, how cruel a celestial joke as to make myself appear the most eloquent motherfuck to walk the earth in my existential ramblings, yet in reality, come off as an awkward, stuttering mess of curly mexi-hair and pubic chinstrap fringe.

A cannabis-induced epiphany of sorts occurred the other night in which I decided I need a new outlook, a new PEET, and ceremonious as I am, I intend to cut my hair short and shave, which I've not done for likely a year. This is somewhat reminiscent of the Royal Tenenbaums, except I don't intend to kill myself afterward. I seek to lift the veil of my insecurities with this move, and cast it to the past, where it belongs.

On a final ending note, to paraphrase the Royal Tenenbaums again, these last few weeks' freedom have given me the opportunity to realize, and, more importantly, cherish the friendships I hold, so that being said, these last two weeks have been among the greatest of my life. Despite the supposed raincloud of romantic despair floating overhead, I remain optimistic as ever, if not a bit daunted.

I wonder how often I misuse "big words" by misreading their context and not knowing the actual definition. Hm.

Redlands and Riverside, I'll miss you.

Testaments

The glamorous, binge-drinking contemporaries of mine save their most precious memories in photographs, showing to all their rose-tinted memories (or lack thereof) of what was probably a fun night. I can't relate to these people, I can't relate to incessant picture-taking, it seems so narcissistic.

Popular kids save their memories in photos; I save mine in these silly-ass entries and more importantly, song. While an older track of mine, Hyr00l (rough) may not have any relevant thematic material to what I went through at the time, listening to it instantly brings me back to a time where I subsided off of cigarettes, ramen packets and Jeno's pizza. A time where I loathed my existence, for the simple reason that it wasn't good enough for the one person where it mattered. A time spent playing Oblivion all day, sucking on black tea mints, eating Pizza Mia (which I now cannot stand). A time where I was part of something, a fucking musical collective, a band where I wasn't the sole musical entity. A time when Trev and I were close, and he was the best friend I had.

The casual listener hears only a nintendocore gimmick; I hear the memories attached to the time period. I yearn not for those days, but reminisce regardless, because those days have molded me (along with every other trial and tribulation in life) into who I am today. In a sense, I'm grateful to have undergone those dark times in my life.

Now for a completely different change of pace, I'd like to be nonchalant enough to wake wanton picture after picture. It seems nice. Maybe inebriation would help.

Malice

I need to get this out of my system:

I have never hated any single person as much as I hate her. This isn't one of those "u broke my heart boo hoo!111" affairs by any means, this is a "I can't believe how incredibly callous you are, and I'm in disbelief how shitty of a person you've become."

Consideration for others? It doesn't benefit you, why bother?

The world may be an ugly place, but there are silver outlines on all of the rainclouds that plague us, and yet you are the poster child of the the ugly, nihilistic, demotivated youth of today.


Let's bring this around with some deep thoughts:


Although I will lament leaving friends and old locales and all that jazz behind, I'm so fucking ready for a change. I've been stagnant and miserable for too goddamn long and I'm taking life by the balls. No longer will I be the hesistant, meek peet of yesterday; I will rise from the ashes of strife, a newer, recharged, more passionate, more attractive peet of THE FUTUREEEEE!

Something like that. Either way I've had it up to here with this bullshit, and I'm going to throw this out there right quick: I don't believe in karma, but you'd better believe in karma through my actions. I will overcome.


My neck and back are fucking killing me from the booze-happy endeavors of last night at FYF Fest. A good time was had, but it was then that I realized I a) should not inhale dust b) need to stop pussyfooting around with women, because I close so many windows of opportunity on myself.


World, watch out, because the most emotive kid around is back with a vengeance, and he's here to fuck shit up.

Lethargic

Smoked arguably the most I ever have in one sitting with Chrissy today, crazy shit. Smoking as much as I did in one day leads to terrible munchies and all-around unproductive behavior, which is kinda why I want to get out of smoking as much as I do.

On a side note, been faltering a bit on the whole not smoking thing. I need to put it in the same category as junk food and not fucking partake! I've been eating out too much D:

Oddly, I notice more definition in my sore-ass body, so I must be doing something right. Hm.


I need more healthy food so I don't eat out like I do. Where's my motivation? Not in Weedland, that's for sure.

Transparency

Today's theme is transparency, and nothing makes one divulge one's deepest feelings and fears than you guessed it, ALCOHOL! Beer'd it up with Ken, greatly enjoyed myself, spilled my guts out to Bridge, enjoyed myself some more!

I wish I could have the courage to be as transparent as I am when drunk. It's just so... real. I think people would probably appreciate it, haha.

Hung out with my little sister today, it was a refreshing change. Trying on dress clothes at Target after dinner didn't go too well, I looked like a cheeky gypsy. She's become something of a Smiths buff, telling me shit about songs I wasn't even aware existed; that girl's gonna be a snob, one of these days.

Most importantly, I put my two weeks' notice in at work today, fuck yeah! Gone will be the days of waking up at ungodly hours to make my keep, here are the days of little effort and all edumacation!


I'm excited, yet a part of me longs to stay with that which I know. I know I can't, and it's an immature longing, but damn. Things will be very different.


To all of you who've contributed to forming me into who I am during my stay in the Inland Empire, whether it be positive or negative, thanks for the memories. I leave on the 15th, so let's see if we can set up a last-hangout or something like that if I don't see you often.

Perspective

I've already slipped behind on this shit, how reproachable! Ah, whatever.


Yesterday was an amazing day, underwent my first shroom/edible trip with Will and took from it a newfound appreciation for nature and the cosmic order of all things. Everything is exactly the way it should be, we are all together, blah blah blah. Hung out with Bridge afterward, had a nice dinner and movie and a half afterward. Altogether the best night I've had in a really long time, I'm glad to have met someone as... real, and pure as she is. It's rare to see a girl as attractive as she with no front. It's a nice change.

Today was a stark contrast to the joyous occasions yesterday. I don't know whether it was a bad/weird day so much as flat in comparison, but something felt off. I felt hollow looking at my own reflection, as if I was looking at someone else, someone who looked dead, almost. It may have just been the bags under my eyes, but I felt like it was more than just that.

Everything lately has weighed down on me. I try my best to keep my head up and hold an optimistic outlook, I mean, fuck, life roughly 2 weeks from now should be pretty incredible; the kicker is that from time to time, I just feel so down. I want to escape this empty shell of a relationship that is my apartment, I don't want to see her anymore. I don't want a constant reminder of my time and energy wasted. I don't want this fucking transition, I'm so tired of everything being in this "oh I'm getting ready to..." phase. I want answers, I want action, but alas, I wait for the time being.

I'm putting in my two weeks' notice in to work on the 1st. Good riddance.


I pulled myself out of the funk earlier with self-affirmations over a good dishwashing. It almost brought me to tears to reaffirm what I haven't told myself in so goddamn long: I am somebody. I am attractive. I am a good person. I am fucking worth it. Most importantly,


Everything will be ok.


I know it will, all things in good time, I suppose.


Everything WILL be ok.

Progress

Today's theme is progress, albeit slow and steady progress.

I woke up today initially around 8, and several snooze hits and bizarre dreams later, it was 11:30 and I hit the bed/couch in frustration. Why is it, that of all the most elementary things in the world, that I can't ever drag my lazy ass out of bed when it's not life-threatening? Maybe I should convince myself it is somehow..

I had a nice, if not a little slow, day today. Got some laundry in, hung out with my mom and sister, saw Music and Lyrics.. anyone else see any Paul McCartney/Hugh Grant similarity? Maybe I'm trippin', dawg. It made me musically inspired, so upon arriving home, I attempted around the 200th take for the intro to one fucking song of mine, and ended in frustration.

My hopes are high though, because the rest of the week seems promising; hanging out with an old friend Serg on Thursday, shroom adventures in Chino Hills with Will on Friday, a possible X odyssey with Ken on Saturday... if all goes according to plan, this could be a memorable week.

Ever feel as if the pieces of life don't fall into place nearly as fast as you'd like them to? Story of my life, as of late. My roomate/ex has been awol for days now; I don't miss her, but her absence is a bit alarming.

Tomorrow should be a fuller, busier day. I'm optimistic, and that's all I could really ask for.


yours,


peet

Departure

So here I find myself again, having created a new blog as a creative outlet, with a newfound determination that it will not fall to the cyberspace grave the countless other blog starts I've made have.

Today I realized the advent of breaking up with a longtime girlfriend has led to lower serotonin or some shit, because I find myself more and more fleeing to chemical dependency, whether it be excessive bowl-smoking or taking up smoking again under the premise "oh, it's my party pack, just for when I drink, which inevitably became "oh lol three a day, booze be damned!"

This was all sparked by endless boredom earlier, shortly after realizing that given a week-long vacation, planning my days out beforehand might be a good thing to do in the future. I took a trip down to a local head shop to pick up some salvia, but forgot my debit card at home. On the trip back, I realized to myself "this is fucking stupid, i'm not going back" and had the profound realization previously stated.

Am I that weak of a human being to surrender to the siren song of meaningless, toxic escape?

I don't think so. I may have moments of weakness, but I know for damn sure that's not me, and I refuse to lead a lifestyle that would have it that way.

I see religious people, and the pure.... exhilarance that radiates from them, and I wonder, why? If religion is truly as altruistic as I had previously thought, then why the overbearing joy for those who truly believe? My personal belief conflicts with some of the dogmatic principles of organized religion, while I still consider myself spiritual, but what do they have, or what are they experiencing that I don't have?


Always another unsolved mystery, always on the cusp. Is the human condition to be forever trapped in the pursuit of happiness? Studies have shown that people are happiest when they attempt an activity just out of their ability level, so perhaps to optimize happiness, we should pursue the pursuit of happiness..?


People tell me I overthink life. I constantly feel as if I don't nearly enough.



I don't know whether this will be more of a diary entry or my existential ramblings, but either way, I think its intended purpose is working.


yours,


peet